Real-Life Confessions On How It Really Feels To Marry Your ‘Better Than Nothing’ Option

That awkward moment when ‘good enough’ becomes as good as it gets.

Jesse

• Published in Interesting
• September 18, 2024

When it comes to marriage, most people dream of finding “the one” – that perfect partner who checks all the boxes and sweeps you off your feet. But what happens when you throw that list out the window and marry someone who, let’s say, wasn’t exactly your first choice? For some, it’s a rom-com ending; for others, it's not so much. 

We all know that settling can be a tricky subject. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Lynn Saladino, settling often leads to feelings of disappointment or even resentment, and that’s a recipe for long-term unhappiness.

But is that always the case? Maybe not! Reddit user Adambier1587 decided to dig into this delicate topic by asking a bold question: “People who married their ‘better than nothing’ option, how’s your marriage going?” 

The responses were a mixed bag of experiences, ranging from surprisingly happy endings to, well, exactly what you’d expect when you settle.

These twenty-one stories showcase what happens when people tie the knot with someone who isn’t necessarily their dream partner but seems like a safe bet at the time. 

So, if you’re wondering whether you can really thrive with a "last resort" spouse or if it's a path to heartache, stick around for these eye-opening, intriguing, and sometimes shocking tales of marriages born out of compromise.

1. Sometimes, giving it a shot works out way better than expected.

A coworker got married to their "better than nothing" six or seven years ago. It was one of those things where both people settled since they were getting older and I guess they figured they'd give it a shot. They went from single to married in eight months.

Apparently as time went on it only got better for them. They both started actively trying to better themselves (seeing therapists, picking up healthy solo hobbies) and learned how to best communicate with each other over that time. They're both in their early 50s now and they act like a happy younger couple whenever we're at work events. It's kinda cool to see.

Pretty mundane but I wanted to share one that I know that worked out.

2. When your 'preferred option' doesn’t work out, but 'better than nothing' turns out to be everything you've ever needed. Who's winning now?

I married my "better than nothing" option in my 30s. We both understood what we had waited for and committed ourselves fully to the marriage. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had married my "preferred option" and I realize that the love I feel from the person I married is so much better than the "preferred option" would have been. I never did convince the preferred option to date me, while the woman I'm married to now found me easy to love.

In other words, my romantic self is an idiot and my better than nothing was actually better than everything.

3. A cute b*tt? Dreamy eyes? She really did hit the jackpot

I have something to say about this. While not married, I am in a relationship with someone I considered myself “settling” for because he isn’t as conventionally attractive as my exes. The thing about that tho? I’ve never been happier in my life.

I went for “high value” gorgeous men who everyone was jealous of me for, but in reality I was being deeply abused and driven to deep mental instability. The man I’m with now makes six figures, is an INCREDIBLE artist, supports me emotionally more than any person ever has, has a super cute b*tt and dreamy eyes, and loves me in the truest way I think one can be loved. I thought I was settling, but I was just being incredibly shallow and actually hit the jack pot. I can’t WAIT to marry him.

4. Turns out 'better than nothing' was actually better than most!

So my marriage is not "better than nothing," but I was also never obsessed with my wife the way I have been obsessed with a new person before.

Part of the reason I was willing to marry her was because we communicated well, worked with each other to improve each other's lives, and we generally enjoy many of the same things while still retaining who we are individually. The biggest thing is that we both felt physically and emotionally safe with each other.

I am now obsessed. I love my wife more than I have ever loved anyone.

5. Settled? More like stumbled into the best partnership ever.

I feel like we may have both settled because we had a child together, but 22 years in and he’s a better partner than I could have ever dreamed.

6. This is the absolute height of bromance

I married a guy from Australia 9 years ago to help him immigrate. We were best friends, but also both very straight (I am also male), so we were those two guys that lived together and did everything together (shopping, gardening,riding bikes, arguing like a couple, and throwing parties) and didn't give a f**k if people thought we were gay (it was secretly very amusing a lot of the time). Anyway, still best friends, both living in different provinces now and he got his papers.

7. Forty-two years later, they're still proving the 'practical' move was actually the best move.

My parents got married because they were considered old in their church (they were 26 and 24…) and they both wanted kids. My mom told me that is was the practical thing to do, haha! Luckily they hit it off, and though it took a lot of time and work, they are annoyingly in love and have been married for 42 years next month.

8. After years of ups and downs, they finally became the perfect match

I think I am the better-than-nothing spouse. About a month ago, I found out. It was devastating. For 17 years, she settled for me despite not truly loving me. Life was hard, but we had each other, or so I thought. The moment we talked about how bad things got, she asked for a divorce, and I lost my best friend and sole person who I felt I trusted enough to talk to. I move out tomorrow to rebuild my life.

9. After years of ups and downs, they finally became the perfect match

I don't know if this is exactly what you're after, but my husband and I got together as single parents. When you do that, you're choosing as much for the kids as for you. You actually don't know what kind of couple you are on your own. And when the kids grew up, after over a decade together, we had to figure that out for the first time.

It started out good for maybe the first 4-5 years, then went really rocky in the kids' teens. Turns out as they needed us less, we really didn't have enough common ground in a lot of ways - in particular, I had emotional and emotional-labour needs that weren't being met. We discussed divorce several times, but at our peak crisis point, decided to work on it because one of our kids had just had a bereavement (death of the other parent).

And honestly, it still wasn't working that well and maybe still would have ended in divorce, but then I had a terrible work situation that lasted a year, and he really stepped up. That was the turning point. I was able to let go of my resentments about all the times I'd carried us because, at some point, he'd done enough that I didn't feel baited and switched anymore.

Then the kids grew up and we had to learn to be a couple on our own together. That took time, but we'd sort of grown and changed into a better match by then. We're really solid now, have been for probably the last five years or so. But it's been a team endeavour to get it that way and keep it there, it's not something that just happens.

10. Guess second time's the charm

I was the btn for husband #1. We divorced after dating for 8 years and 8 years married. Never felt so alone. We were glorified roommates. We got along. It was ok.

Husband #2 thinks I'm the best thing to happen to him and says it often. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. We saved each other. We have stuck together through tough times. It's amazing how different a real marriage is.

11. No love at first sight here, just two people who clicked

This just isn't the perspective i had when dating. It was more like, this person wants to date me and i want to date them. No red flags. We agree on basic life plans. We've been dating for a few years and everything is still cool so lets get married. Neither of us were ever the person of our dreams. We were never head over hills for each other, but 12 years in the marriage has been great.

12. Sometimes, the spark comes after the 'I do.’

I think the way you worded this implies that the relationship was s****y, to begin with. I married someone I considered kind of a settle at first. I hadn't had a relationship in over a year and met a girl at a bar and thought, "she's pretty enough and I like being around her".

The thing is, we grew together and I have a very successful and happy marriage despite her not initially knocking my socks off. I think I fit your comments intent but I'm not sure because at no point in our relationship was it so bad I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

I guess what I'm saying is if my story matches your intent, then it can work out. If you meant marrying into a toxic relationship, I don't think you're going to get many success stories.

13. Married out of fear of being alone, but learned the hard way that you can’t mask unhappiness forever.

I married a girl because I was afraid of dying alone and had severe anxiety and people-pleasing traits from childhood trauma. I should have ended it multiple times throughout the relationship but didn't because I was basically taking care of her and my responsibility to her as an excuse not to k*ll myself.

I eventually got help and realized how toxic and codependent the relationship was and how much of me was being buried under a mask, and how badly that was feeding my depression and pursued divorce.

14. What are you saying girl? Loading the dishwasher is peak romance

15. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

Was married for 10yrs, got 2 kids out of it and some of the happiest years of my life. We both pretty much settled for each other. Eventually, both concluded that we just weren't right for each other and cut it off, but I don't have any regrets about it. Without her I definitely would have been one of the people out there that are forever alone. So I definitely would agree with the "better to have loved and lost" saying.

16. A wasted decade, but better late than never

Both had hit our early thirties and near-simultaneously moved into adjoining apartment buildings in a new town. Clocks were ticking. S*x on the third date and very regularly thereafter, a proposal on 1st year anniversary of the first date (after essentially being told "s**t or get off the pot."). Warning sign: "I think you should cut your (finally long) hair for the wedding." Let redneck beauty shop in her hometown cut it, so I have a terrible haircut in wedding pictures.

S*x "surprisingly" almost immediately became contingent on whatever chores I needed to do.

Not load the dishwasher the way she liked it? No nookie for you.

Still managed to have two kids, but by year 15, I was sleeping in the guest room, mostly because she snored and refused to do anything about it, and her morning routine of hitting the f*****g snooze button 8 times, and also because I found her sexually unappealing (I probably wasn't any better - we both let ourselves go, though I gained 25 pounds while she gained 100). Spent 10 years being roommates raising kids.

When they were old enough to be independent, I moved out.

Should have done it a decade earlier and saved us all the trouble.

17. Some truths sting, but freedom tastes better.

I found out 5 years into my marriage that I was his "better than nothing" option. I filed for divorce 2 weeks later (cause it took me that long to come up with the filing fees.)

It was one of MANY issues in the marriage, but finding out he was telling people he only married me because he feared getting older alone while he was telling me I was The One (TM) f*****g STUNG.

18. Lesson learned the hard way

My sister married a guy who showed interest because she thought no one would love her as a teen mum. Welp she left him 2 years ago after 10 years together (married for 3) and she's STILL trying to get him to divorce her.

Never settle guys.

19. Desperation isn’t a good foundation for happiness

A family member of mine from back in the times when women were extremely dependent on men (like isn’t allowed to work or open a bank account kind of dependent) was married and in a toxic relationship. It was violent. She met someone else and decided to get married to the other one. It was better than beating each other up all the time. “

She brought 9 kids into this world, more than 15 grandkids followed. The majority of them is broken people.

Later on, I heard stories about her second husband making inappropriate comments about his stepchild (girl). Super cringe. But explains why they are all not only very distanced to her but also extremely broken.

My learning from that is: don’t get married out of desperation! Get married because it is a choice FOR a marriage. Not against loneliness. That can go south big time.

20. Irreconcilable differences

Not great, she went from “we might have kids in a few years” to “I don’t want kids, ever”.

I wanted kids.

21. Her second time around, she learned that compatibility beats passion any day.

So, what’s the verdict? Marrying your “last resort” may not always lead to doom and gloom. For some, it turns out to be the best decision they’ve ever made, while others confirm the warning signs.

Either way, these stories show that love—and life—don’t always follow the script we expect. Marriage is anything but predictable, even when you think your settling.

Jesse