100 People Share The Funniest, Craziest & Most Shocking Reasons For Their Relationship Breakups

Breakups are hard, but these stories are pretty hilarious

Ariana

• Published in Funny
• September 16, 2020

If you've even been through a breakup (which most of us have) you'll know that most of the time they are no joke. I can honestly say that the most devastated I've felt in my life has been due to relationship breakdowns and I can confidently say I hope to never feel like that again!

The thing is, while breakups can be absolutely shattering for the person being broken up with, sometimes, for the person DOING the breaking up, they can be very liberating and freeing... even the the reason for the breakup is a little, quirky?

There's an entire thread on Reddit dedicated to weird, wild and interesting reasons people have broken up with someone. If you ever watched 'Seinfeld', you'll relate to the thread's title, "What is the most George Constanza-esque reason you broke up with someone?"

1.

"He was really nice, but when we got to speaking on Facebook and text he could barely spell anything, and didn't find grammar necessary. I felt bad until he called me a bitch."

2. NO ONE!

"She had lower self esteem than me. No one has lower self esteem than me. NO ONE, JERRY."

3.

"During sex, her giant dog jumped up on the bed and licked my balls from behind. Freaked me out, and I completely ghosted her after that. We were doing doggy style."

4.

"I met this gorgeous Kenyan girl. Beautiful to put it simply. I took her to a baseball game and things were going well. But she kept referring to the crowd as "the humans" or "you humans". For instance, 3rd inning comes around and so does the wave. Once it passes us, she sits down, laughs and says "You humans have weird customs." This freaked me out. All I could think was if we are the humans... wtf are you?!"

5.

"We got in a fight because he didn't want me drinking green tea. (He was Mormon) I was fine with the Mormonism but he claimed green tea was bad for my health."

6.

"Found out she was banging a friend and smoking crack around our baby daughter."

7.

"I'm really into craft beers and I get super excited when I go to a place with a really big tap and/or bottle selection. I was on a second date with a guy and we were at a local bar with one of the best bottle selections in town. As I'm standing there analyzing the different bottles, trying to narrow down what I'd like to try, he orders us two Busch Lites.

I stopped returning his calls after that."

8.

"Double negatives.

Constantly.

I tried to help by explaining that it's unnecessary.

She responded, "I don't never do that!"

I closed my eyes as I was leaving."

9.

"When she wore heels, she walked like Jar-Jar-Binks. You know what I'm talking about."

10.

"He let his dog defacate inside the house on the carpet. It was still there 4 days later."

11.

"I took a bus, ferry, and subway to commute to her place.

She wouldn't reciprocate. The commuting distribution was wildly uneven! Trains! Boats! Busses!"

12.

"She ate my burger that I ordered at Chili's. I asked her if she wanted food. She said no. Right as the food came I went to the bathroom. I came back and the f*cking burger was gone. "Oops I'm sorry I was a little hungry." F you."

13. He was a picky eater...

"He didn't eat anything but potatoes, peanut butter, and ramen. He wasn't a broke college student, just a f*cking picky eater. Nope. Adios."

14.

"The guy I was with kept sighing when he didn't know what to say. Also he blinked slowly. It drove me mad"

15.

"She would sing along with songs that were playing on the radio, but with a delay of .5 seconds, like she knew the tune, but didn't know the words until she HEARD them. It got SO annoying, SO quickly. Nope."

16.

"I was dating a guy briefly early this Spring. He was a bigger guy, about 6'4" and 250 lbs. Two weeks into dating, when I'd try to have a conversation with him, he started to use this tiny, nasally, lispy baby voice to talk to me with! He said stuff like "oh mah gerd", "awww, poor baybay" or "cool story bro"...even had a movie quote for every scenario. All in the lispy baby voice! It was the biggest turn off ever, so I ghosted. No wonder he is single."

17. She tricked him into having sex!

"I was a 15 year old freshmen and she was 17 year old senior. When we started dating, she said she wanted to wait two months before having sex. I was a virgin and wasn't even really worried about it so I agreed. Then a month later things got hot and heavy and she insisted that we do it; I asked "are you sure? You said you wanted to wait" but she insisted on banging it out anyways. Afterwards, she said that it was a test to see if I would actually wait like I said I would. Then she dumped me."

18.

"I suspected her of stealing my Pokémon card. Nothing special, just a Pikachu, but damn, when my suspicions settled in, I smashed all ties with her. I miss being 11."

19. She made noises...

"I hung in there for like 2 years.. The thing that did me in? She made noises, like all the time, and then giggle at herself.

She'd sit down in a chair "ploppppp, hehe." She'd fluff up a pillow "foof foof foof hehe." She'd use the TV remote "pshew pshew hehe." We'd eat out "cunch cunch hehe."

At the end, I wanted to jump off the roof."

20.

"She didn't know butter was made from milk."

21.

"I had an ex leave me after five years so she could 'go be young'. About three years later she has two kids and she's divorced. She'd wait until she had the bartender's attention and then start to decide what she wanted to drink."

22. She was a chicken...

"I went out with a girl a few times who was completely normal whenever she was around me, but whenever I saw her with her friends she morphed into one of those weird, screaming, over-excited girls who seem like a flock of chickens. Big turn-off."

23.

"A guy left me because I was doing my Master in Cultural Studies. He said that it's not serious course enough and I haven't planned my futhure well. Two weeks later, he was dating a a two-classes-lower student of the same studies.

I can not blame him, she had like amazing boobs."

24. She littered...

"We had planned to do dinner and a movie but I had to work late, so we stopped at Chik-Fil-A on the way to the theater. After she finished eating, she threw her trash out of my car and into the street. I never spoke to her again after that day."

25. He loved that 'french wine' too much...

"I left 2 bottles of expensive French wine at his place when I left, told him to keep him for next time we would see each other.

He drank them with his buddies at a camping trip, told me about it afterwards, still asked me if I could bring more "of that french wine he got drunk on"

Animal."

26. Honestly, I relate to this!

"I was dumped because I used my windshield wipers too often."

27.

"He mispronounced words. Drove me crazy. Subtle was one of the words. He said SUB til. I just couldn't..."

28.

"He ate my lunch while I left to get napkins for him. The only meals I ever really got my junior year was the free lunch provided from the school district for low income families. He didn't know that and assumed it was OK because I usually don't get mad over those kind of things but I was on my period and just got done with stupid standardized testing. So I walked away and never looked back."

29. I got fat... then I got too skinny.

I started dating a guy in high school. After about a year of dating, one day out of the blue he mentioned that I was "getting fat". I changed my lifestyle habits and started exercising. Soon after, I had lost 40 pounds and started getting compliments from friends and family members on my progress, some of which were male. My boyfriend didn't like the attention I was getting from "other guys", and told me that I needed to "put some more weight back on" because he was jealous. Bye."

30.

"He used water in his cereal instead of milk."

31.

"I broke up with a guy because he was forcing me to be a fat, furry characters in our roleplays, even when i told him so many times that I hate these things. That was not the only thing, he even forgot my birthday, flirted with my, under age female friend, and even with my ex. The last drop was when he started me sending fake pictures of his genitals, which were much bigger than his real ones, he then blamed me that I made it all up."

32.

"I got along with her father, she liked me because I was a rebel. I still miss her dad."

33.

"She would always say how much she loved to travel, but has never been outside of California. Retweeting, reblogging, Instagram, everything about her "travels to the grocery store" or "my travels to Yosemite". I ended it cause I said I needed space, last thing she said to me was 'good luck on your travels'."

34.

"I took her out to eat. I said I wanted the salmon, she suggested I ordered a burger 'like a man'."

35. NO NO NO!

"He would whine like a puppy when we made out ... thats a no for me"

36.

"She always ordered food, ate half of it, then ate half of mine. Then she would offer to share what she ordered, but I didn't like the stuff she ordered."

37.

"I once broke up with a girl because I thought she was hiding something and was going to break up with me. Turns out she was indeed hiding something: a trip to the Caribbean. For us.

I was an idiot at 22."

38. strike...

"She left me because I brought flowers and a love letter to her house because we had a pointless fight over text the day prior. Obviously meant as a surprise. When I asked if she's serious she reminded me that she told me 3 months before that she hates surprises and that this was the second strike. 2 years later I realised I dodged a tank shell."

39.

"She would belch like a trucker, and then look at me excitedly for approval. One time she forced the belch too hard, and threw up in her own lap like a sick dog."

40. She didn't wash her buttcrack...

"She had the smelliest upper buttcrack. Its almost as if she would wash her buttcrack with a dirtier buttcrack."

41. Yikes!

"She used to sneak up on me while I'm peeing, grab hold of my junk and start aiming for me.

Eventually, I started to fake being startled so I'd have an excuse to piss on her feet, in the hopes that she would realize it's a bad idea."

42.

"I made a comment about hating the fact that there are security cameras everywhere.

She fired back with the bullshit "nothing to hide, nothing to fear" argument. I knew we weren't meant to be."

43.

"She asked what I would do if someone poked a hole in my condom."

44.

"She asked for ketchup for her steak at an an expensive steakhouse."

45.

"She ate her peas one at time. One at a time!"

46.

"I once broke up with a girl because she couldn't ever decide on something. I would say, "Lets go to the movies" and I'd even ask what movie she wanted to see, and she would NEVER make up her mind. Drove me nuts.

Turns out she had another boyfriend, and when I confronted her about it, she told me 'She couldn't decide between the two of us.' fml."

47. Bad food etiquette....

"She was putting mustard on her fries by applying it to her hand first and then rubbing it all over the fries. Then she licked the mustard off her hand. You would never ever think she would do this by looking at her or speaking to her."

48. She wasn't adventurous with food...

"She refused to eat anything besides chicken nuggets and french fries. No substitutions. Not chicken tenders. Not chicken strips. If we went somewhere without nuggets and fries she would just order a Coke and watch me eat.

I once made the mistake of cooking dinner for her. She took one bite and asked if I would be offended if she ran to McDonalds to get nugs/fries."

49.

"On a first date we had a coffee then went for a walk at his suggestion to somewhere he liked. We walked for 20 minutes and then he stopped and said thoughtfully, 'I thought we'd sit here.' I turn around expecting a bench, but its just the pavement, and its facing a car park. No second date."

50. Pretty dumb...

"I briefly dated a lady who was very attractive but, I soon learned, probably fell comfortably into the 5th percentile of IQ. I'm from Africa and told her about traditional weddings in my country, where a cow would often be slaughtered in front of the guests, for their consumption. She screwed up her face and said something like "Oh my god, who eats cows?". I looked at her for a moment, and asked "Do you eat beef?". "Yes," came the reply. I got up and left shortly afterwards."

51.

"I had left him in the restaurant because he said that cats are stupid. I asked once again: "So, you're saying that MY cat is stupid???" He said: "Yes ..." I stood up and went away. That was our first (and last!) date."

52. He SPOILED 'DOCTOR WHO'!

"He spoiled Doctor Who for me. Serious spoilers."

53.

"I once had a girlfriend's dad tell his own daughter that she wasn't good enough for me. No shit. The Japanese are brutal."

54.

"I know someone who broke up with their SO because whenever they took a bite from a fork they would bite down on it while they slid it out of their front teeth. Makes me cringe thinking about it."

55.

"We were at a dinner party with his friends (another couple) the friends start talking about how it's really difficult to get a decent job with all the migrants. I laugh expecting the joke to be over, it wasn't, he agrees. I'm Mexican I left never saw him again."

56. He had another girlfriend...

"i once dated a guy who would occasionally talk on the phone to someone in Spanish who he claimed to be his mother. it turned out to be his girlfriend."

57.

"She was a one-upper. She'd have a better version of every one of my stories."

58. A1 on fillet mignon...

"He put A1 all over filet mignon I made him for Valentine's Day. This was not some shit big box filet -- hand cut and selected specially for the occasion by butchers I know.

And he wanted it well done.

Woman's gotta have a code, man.... Some shit ain't right."

59.

"I dated this girl who was the loudest eater I ever met. She constantly chewed with her mouth open and smacked her lips. God forbid if she really liked it, then there came a litany of mmms and noms as well. It was like dating the cookie monster."

60. Research scientist didn't fit her narrative...

"She broke up with me because I was & I'm paraphrasing "an unhinged atheist "

Ps I'm just a research scientist."

61.

"He had been cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend for two weeks because he'd been feeling neglected. I had been enrolled in a therapy group by my doctor for clinical depression and social anxiety. A week later, he tells me he broke up with her and wants me back. I said no. He sent a last resort dick pic. I still said no. The next day, his girlfriend finds me on Facebook and messages me to stop bothering her man. His stupidity was mind boggling. I'm happily single."

62.

"She left me because she thought I was going to leave her for another guy. I'm bisexual, and was head over heels in love with her."

63. She's a smack-head now! LOL

"I was 9 at the time. Got a girlfriend on a Thursday, my mom got me glasses that weekend. I came back to school with glasses and the moment my girlfriend saw me she said "ewwww you dork" and broke up with me. She's a heroin addict now."

64.

"I have two. One guy ate like a t-rex. He would keep his elbows by his side while he ate and leaned over to get his food off his fork. Another guy had no shape to the back of his head. His neck just went straight up. Both named Chris."

65.

"She would always make points by asking opposing questions.

For example, "Do I like crunchy peanut butter? No. Do I like creamy peanut butter? Yes."

It happened three or four times a day. And never in a scenario that made sense to be formatted that way. I didn't even break up with her. I just couldn't bring myself to talk to her out of fear of having an aneurysm."

66. Her natural laugh was too... natural.

"Shallowest reason here but with zero exaggeration - her natural laugh was a bellowing siren that sounded extremely forced and fake. During a normal conversation, this reverse duck call would sporatically ring through the public area causing literal standstills, quickly followed by several groups paying full attention to our table just waiting for the next siren to go off. And it would - with the exact same pitch, volume and length."

67.

"On our first date, I brought her home. I went to let my dog out for a grand total of five minutes, and she shaved her genitals using my razor. I came back in, went in the bathroom, and it was like a shaving cream bomb went off. Then I noticed my razor, wet with hairs on it. I have a full beard, and hadn't used it in over a week. She then played it off like nothing happened, and there was nothing she felt like telling me."

68. He peed in bottles under his bed...

"Oh, I have so many stories about him but i'm gonna tell the one that was the last drop for me. We were in his room. I was sitting on his bed and at one point i was looking under his bed and i saw bottles filled with something. i asked him what it was but he refused to tell me. I was afraid to ask, but i did it: "is it pee?". It was. Seven big bottles of pee because he was too lazy to walk in to the hall to the bathroom. I can somehow understand laziness, but why keep 7 bottles of pee?!"

69.

"I broke up with this guy after going out twice because he ended up having NO sense of humor & I love to laugh. After I broke up with him I started getting multiple phone calls on a daily basis from car dealerships - they would always start the conversation off with "Im sorry but I know Im going to pronounce your name wrong"...followed by names such as: Ms. Cuntarella, Ms. Bitschface & Ms. Fatasse. IM NOT KIDDING YALL. Sad thing is, I laughed SO HARD because damn, thats original!"

70. Gym-booooo-reeeeee!

"She would constantly say the names of the stores we passed by while driving.

Jiffy Lube. Huh, a Spencers. Gym-boooo-ree (that's how she would say it)."

71.

"I asked him to bring a bottle of red wine to go with dinner and he brought Raspberry Arbor Mist."

72. Her mom and aunt saw him jerking off! LOL

"Was staying at a beachhouse with girlfriend and her family. Outdoor shower. I'm in there fapping up a storm because, I don't know, it felt appropriate at the time. You ever get that feeling that someone is watching you? Turns out you can look down into the shower from the top deck railing and her mom and aunt are laughing it up like little girls watching me operate the dutch rudder. I didn't say a single word to girlfriend, got in my car, drove 3 hours home. Just never called her."

73.

"The voice she used to baby talk to her dog was insufferable. Occasionally she would use it on me but not a lot. Then one night she asked me, "Can I sucky on your dicky?" It was the first, and last, time I turned down sexual activity. We broke up right then and there."

74. He was too obsessed with Japan...

"He obsessed with Japan and anyone on Earth dares to say anything, even if its true about that country he would gone mad. We once walked in Tokyo (as he insist to visit that country) and we saw loads of prostitutes around. He said those must be women from poorer country, like Vietnam, as Japanese are "too cool for that". and I'm a Vietnamese...so...F'off!"

75. Double YIKES!

"She said nickelback was modern day Shakespeare."

76. 'Seen'

"'I seen that the other day' NOPE. BYE."

77. Only ate at restaurants that serves Mountain Dew...

"She would only eat at restaurants that served Mountain Dew. If they did not, she could/would not eat there.

I kicked that one to the curb quickly and with no hesitation because that's f*cking insane."

78.

"He believes that the earth is flat."

79.

"We are at a local brewery and she looks as though she is about to cry. I ask her what the problem is and she mentions that they don't have any vegan options. They have plenty of vegetarian options that allow for you to substitute for vegan cheese, so I suggest that. At this point tears are rolling down her cheek. I ask if she has another place in mind and she immediately perks up. We head over to that restaurant and she orders fish tacos."

80.

"I was the one got dumped but I was talking on the phone to my then girlfriend and my brother says "what if you take her home, and find out her dick is bigger than yours?" I laughed. She asked me what was so funny and I (like an idiot) told her. She broke up with me as soon as I was done telling her. Thinking back on it, I wonder if my brother was right?"

81.

"She said she was a big Pink Floyd fan. Later, didn't recognize Pink Floyd on the radio."

82. Just wow!

"She didn't believe in the moon landing."

83. Toe-nail issues...

"His toenails were so long they clicked on the floor like a dog."

Edit: like a dog a Jurassic Park Raptor. Thanks for the visual and traumatizing video, everyone!

84. She liked anime and he didn't...

"I absolutely hate anime. Not shitting on it, that's just my brutally honest opinion. I don't know why, but I just can't stand it. Anyways, I didn't have a problem with her loving anime, but I did have a problem with her forcing me to watch it all the time, saying "I'd grow to like it", but if anything my disliking towards it only grew stronger. We couldn't find something we both wanted to watch, no no, we had to watch anime."

85. Told me he loved me... after 2 weeks!

"We were dating for a week when he took me on a trip to meet his family. Not that big of an issue, I guess. Then at the two week mark, he told me he loved me. Right after he said that, he decided to tell me every minute detail about the texture of his ex's vagina. At the three week mark, he showed up at my house at 4 am and moved all of his stuff in. He stole my house key to do it saying it was a surprise. Oh, and he constantly stole cigarettes from me even though he had asthma."

86. Do you really think hell is funny?

"I dated a girl for a short time, based on a blind date. One night, we were driving to dinner and I was telling a story. I ended by saying "It was funny as hell."

She looked at me and asked, "Do you really think hell is funny?"

Awkward dinner was the last dinner."

87.

"My gf broke up with me because her best friend just broke up with her bf a couple days before. Didn't know our relationships were tied together like that."

88. Goodbye!

"She put the spoon into the sugar jar after stirring her coffee. Would leave clumps of coffee sugar."

89.

"Every time I yawned she thought it hilarious if she stuck her finger in my open mouth. I could never relax…always had to be prepared for oral violation."

90.

"She would constantly talk specifically during the dialogue of movies. In scenes where nobody was talking...silence. Then as soon as somebody started talking:

'DID YOU READ THAT ARTICLE ON SHEA BUTTER IN THE PAPER?'."

91.

"I dated a guy I had known since we were kids, but had been years since we had seen each other. The first weekend I spent with him, we went to the bar with his friends. After, we all went to his house to watch some stand-up comedy. At one point he got up, went into the kitchen, pissed in fridge, then proceeded to walk back into the living room where he face-planted/passed out into a deep drunken slumber.

The red flag was his friends told me 'Don't worry. He does this all the time'."

92.

"She called herself "pretty much a psychologist" after taking Psych 1000."

93.

"I once broke up with a girl because she was just so fake. She wouldn't just be REAL. The deal breaker was when she tried to steal my unicorn. I told her she was the worst girlfriend i could ever imagine. My current imaginary girlfriend is much nicer."

94.

"We ate mushrooms one night in college and we were coming down laying in bed and I realized she had a weird smell about her. I forgot about it, fell asleep, and after a couple more times seeing each other I ended it because the smell was permanent. Her natural aroma. I just couldn't shake it. It was like a combination of poppers and sweaty feet. We weren't a great match anyways but the smell made the choice easy."

95. She said his dog was ugly!

"She said one of my dogs was, 'kinda ugly.'"

96.

"Met the guy on the Saturday, by the next Saturday I had around 700-800 texts off him, he'd send 10 in the time I'd take to reply once. He blew my phone up constantly to the point where I could hardly carry a conversation with someone else, if I was busy for even an hour I'd find myself having to read 50 texts afterwards!"

97.

"She had the same name as my sister. I liked her and tried, but I just couldn't do it."

98.

"Barbeque sauce. She was from St. Louis and decided that St. Louis style was the ONLY bbq sauce that she would use. I season and smoke a beautiful brisket, and she slathers it with sweet bbq sauce WITHOUT EVEN TRYING IT AS IT WAS INTENDED.

I'm getting angry now."

99.

"She always said "I don't mind" as the answer to every question put to her. What film do you want to see? What do you want from the chippy? What club do you want to go to tonight? Always "I don't mind" so I would make a choice only to be met with

"ugh, I don't like that. I would rather [insert choice]"

Drove me up the walls."

100.

"I once dumped a guy because we were doing the same things every day, like it was an army routine. I saw my life flash before my eyes with all my future days being the same. So, to break the cycle, he had to go."

Ariana