Guy’s Butt-Shaving Anecdote Became Viral Online - “Aftershave Was A Terrible, Horrible Idea"
The subreddit r/TIFU is a gold mine of interesting stories. It is no wonder because so many things fall into “today I f—ked up,” category, which is what the abbreviation stands for. And people regularly do stupid things, so this subreddit is continuously growing. It is a never-ending cycle. You can find stories about people getting into fights, problems with the law, destroying their lawns, or embarrassing themselves in public.
To be honest, this also has an educational purpose because people share these stories to warn others. But did anyone ever, in the history of the world, learned from other people’s mistakes? And that is the reason this subreddit is snowballing.
Redditor u/BabyHooey wanted to stop people from making the same mistakes as he did. Time will tell if he managed to do that, or similar stories will appear on the subreddit.
The OP is a kind of guy who usually takes a “trim the grass but don’t scorch the earth” method of shaving his body.
Amusingly, one day he decided to try and shave his whole butt. This heartbreaking story is about what a colossal miscalculation that turned out to be:
"I failed to take into consideration what a massive undertaking this would turn out to be. Even if you’re normal-sized, your butt is bigger than you think. It’s not like shaving your face, where there’s a relatively small amount of surface that needs actual shaving. A butt represents a decent-sized parcel of real estate. And even if you’re not super hairy, the hair is probably widespread, which means you probably have to shave the whole thing. With my face, I get maybe two or three swipes of the razor before I have to rinse off the blade.
With my butt, as it turns out, I get about half a swipe before the razor is full. And I mean full in a “rinse it off, oops that didn’t work, I guess I’m going to have to swipe backward against a washcloth or towel and then rinse it off some more” kind of a way. I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to throw out this washcloth because even after washing it, it still has the appearance of my grandparents’ shag carpet."
He describes that he also had a hard time figuring out which direction to swipe because you can’t actually look at your behind in the mirror the same way you look at your face. And then he had to make a judgment call:
Am I only shaving the outside? Or do I go, uh, between the pages? In my ongoing brilliance, I decided that shaving just the outer cheeks would only serve to make the inside appear that much hairier, so I parted the fold and continued inward. This, it turns out, is a different undertaking altogether. Skin that never sees the light of day is, understandably, much more sensitive.
It took the OP about 45 minutes to finish the job. And after a brief moment of satisfaction, he made a terrible decision:
Aftershave was a terrible, horrible idea. I only had a minute or two of enjoying my nice, smooth butt before I decided something along the lines of, “Now let’s make this smooth skin feel like someone set it on fire.” It took a solid half-hour for the burning sensation to subside. And by then, there was no real enjoyment over my achievement, just a relief that my ass no longer felt ablaze.
But all the troubles with a bald butt hadn’t yet shown themselves. The OP has now realized that his bushy crack was behaving as a natural muffler:
"You know how each of us sort of learns the best way to position yourself so you can stifle a fart? Shaving your butt changes all of that drastically. You will never fart quietly with a shaved butt, and I do mean never. About an hour or so after I had finished, I dropped a normal-sized fart without really thinking about it. The sound visibly startled me. It was like someone fired a machine gun in an echo chamber. Anyone within earshot will clearly hear the unmistakable sound of your butt cheeks slapping against each other.
And without hair to provide an easy exit, you will feel the little gas bubbles as they slowly work their way up your butt crack, like the carbonation bubbles on a Sprite that you’ve poured into a glass. Every fart since then has been a very similar experience, and I now suspect this will continue until the hair grows back."
The worst thing is, and the OP hasn’t discovered it yet - itchy, pokey feeling as all that hair grows back in the next few weeks.
A lot of remarks are from people saying to him to expect the butt itch and also recommend how to have a smooth butt and quiet gas release:
The OP seems to like the Reddit attention, although he did ask people to stop PMing him with picture requests. His story is all that he will share. He just meant to help.
