Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

Me: What's the first rule of cooking?

4: Don't put your hands in your butt.

Me:

4:

Me: Correct.

None of the parenting books tell you that your 2 year old will name her feet Tommy (R) and Omar (L), yet here we are.

Parenting books there should be:

-Life After Lice
-There’s a Turd in the Tub, Now What
-This is the Day You Remember the Grocery List
-How to Read Your Teen’s Emojis
-Finding Inner Peace and Your Child’s Shoes
-How to Start a Successful Carpool

the best thing about babies is they have no idea what’s going on. i was holding my baby and trying to eat but i dropped a little piece of lasagna on her and didn’t have a free hand to wipe it off so i just leaned over and ate it off her head. she has no clue what i did

my daughters version of trick or treating was asking every single person if they had a puppy she could pet and then sitting on each porch for five minutes petting their dogs and honestly it’s a good version

[texting son]

17: my gf wants sanitary napkins in pink packaging, I can't find them

M: send a pic, I'll help

17: pic.twitter.com/DqnJ2jVRTc

my 4 yo can run his tablet like he's a mini Bill Gates

when i was 4 i was literally outside eating ants.

My 2 y.o. talks a lot of shit for someone who can literally be picked up and placed wherever we need him to be.

I asked my 5yo to spit out his gum before bed. He said it wasn't gum.

"What is it?"

"Toenails!"

Goodnight folks. Sleep well.