30 Of The Weirdest Things Parents Have Found Themselves Telling Their Kids

by Stephanie

Parenting is a journey that is impossible to predict. It's full of ups and downs, highs and lows, and many, many rewarding moments.

But the real fun starts when your children start to talk! You better believe the conversations you have with a toddler will be some of the most fascinating you will ever have in your lifetime!

One mother found the conversations with her little one so amusing, she decided to turn them into a blog. It's called 'WTF Parenting Quotes' and it all began like this; "One day, while driving, I was tuning in and out of his chatter in the backseat, when I heard, ‘It’s simple, Mama. All you need is a dead body, a pocketknife, and an ostrich.’ It’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard," the young mother wrote. "I eventually found out he was trying to explain how to do a human-ostrich brain transplant, and heard myself explaining why it wouldn’t work. Definitely, the most wtf thing I’ve ever heard myself say."

Since then, other parents have also begun submitting snippets of their own crazy conversations with their children, and the blog has become wildly popular.

Scroll down to read through some of the weirdest things parents have found themselves saying to their little ones!

#1 Future Lawyer Right Here

"Having Superman printed pajamas will not enable you to fly, my son. Please sleep on the bottom bunk."

"Stop licking the eggs and put them back in the fridge."

After scolding then-3-year old for heading outside in his pajamas to play ("You don’t go outside in your pajamas, young man!"), I found him stark naked on his tricycle, serenely pedaling up and down the driveway. "Me got no jamas on mummy!" he proudly told me.

- Ed. Note: I love this. Kid definitely is a future lawyer.


"No, your teeth are not asleep. Go brush them."


"Grandpa is not a race car.
Grandpa’s wheelchair is not a toy.
You may not “drive Grandpa.”"

#4 "I'm Not a Virgin"

I asked my 10 year old son what he wanted on pizza one night. He replied, “well, Mom, I’m not a virgin.“ I stopped cold and said, “what?” He said, “ I want meat, I’m not a virgin.” “Oh, you’re not a vegetarian.“ as I exhaled.


"No, hippies are not baby hippos. Yes, I’m sure."


"No, do NOT lick the cat."

#7 That's Your Opinion

"I don’t think you’re old enough to be having a mid-life crisis."


"Go ahead. Walk to Australia. Let me know how that goes."


"I don’t think the cat sneaks out at night and rides your skateboard."

#10 Is That a Maybe?

"No no no no. No ‘pants off dance off’ at the wedding."


"That’s good that you love the neighbor’s cat, but no, you can’t marry him."


"How can you not know why your tongue is blue? Your tongue was with you all day today, wasn’t it?"


"I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were in ‘stealth mode.’"
Ruined my ninja’s self esteem today.


Submission: “I am sorry the baby keeps biting you but perhaps if you stop putting your fingers in her mouth she will stop biting you.”

….Charlie? Is that you??

#15 Stop Asking Questions!

"But how did your underwear get stuck in the bathroom window in the first place?"


"You are not an M&M. Put your clothes back on."


"I am about 99.9% sure you are not getting a chainsaw for Christmas."

Don’t lose all hope. That leaves a .1 chance you are.

#18 Grrrrrrrr

"You can growl at me all you want, but you still have to tie your shoes."


"No, I don’t think throwing alligators at people is a good idea."


"I am not going to get in a car crash just to cure your hiccups. That is crazy talk."

#21 She Needs To Go

"Why are you carrying the cat into the bathroom?"


"No no no, the police do not need your help ‘investigating.’ Get back here!!"

All kinds of trouble at the park tonight.


"Why is there an axe on the floor?"

Darn Vikings never pick up after themselves.

#24 It Wasn't Clean!!!

Whose underwear is on your head? (It wasn’t his, and it wasn’t clean and his brother was hiding and giggling)

It wasn’t clean. IT WASN’T CLEAN. brb, vomiting.


"NO! Don’t pull that pin!!"
Yelled at my almost 2yr old as he approached a gas station fire extinguisher with a devious look in his eye.


"I’m sure Grandpa could go to England and not kill anyone."

Grandpa is an Irishman, in case you couldn’t tell.


"Put the guns down and brush your teeth."

#28 That Damn Lightning Bolt

Anonymous asked: No, Gatorade in your eyes will not make you see things faster

That lightning bolt sure confuses things!


“Stop eating your soup with your fingers!” (To my 10 year old)


"They’re called ‘discharge papers’ not 'dementor papers.’"

He was reading Harry Potter while waiting for his x Rays and got confused.

What's the funniest thing you've ever caught yourself saying to your kids?

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