Sometimes, you hear people talking about the "nice guys" who just cannot get a girlfriend. Or, maybe they do, and it appears as if it ends badly and it is just another loss for a "nice guy."
Turns out, that nice guys can be just as awful as the rest of them. Nice guys often start off as friends, but over time, they start to want more--basically, they are just creepy guys who think that their friendship should be rewarded with sex.
They portray themselves as the "good ones" who "wouldn't hurt a fly" because they "respect" people. This is not always the case.
Check out these stories from women who dated so-called "nice guys" (warning, it may be triggering for some people).
The question was posted on /AskWomen by u/Between3and20eh.
All the guys I have known or dated that felt it necessary to label themselves "nice guys" turned out to absolutely awful humans. Either they had a bad temper, horrible morals, or just didn't want to take "no" for answer. One even turned out to be an emotionally abusive alcoholic.
The actual nicest guys I've dated or called friends were the ones who didn't feel the need to label themselves "nice guy". In fact, the best of them usually warned me and others that they were not all that nice, but always turned out to be the sweetest, most understanding, appreciative, and kind guys I've had the pleasure of knowing.
He seemed a bit shy but goofy,smart and genuinely kind when he approached me, so I agreed to go out and we hit it off at first. Deep, meaningful conversation about our personal challenges, him quickly meeting my friends and me being the first person he called after a family emergency. We were both pretty vulnerable, but things were seemingly progressing somewhat well.
One day he was on Tinder in bed next to me and when called on it, he said that dating me had made him realize that he needed more confidence and experience with women and thus needed to date a lot more different people, but that he only fucked the others at their houses, so I was obviously his no1. I freaked, cried and broke things off - he called me the next day to casually ask me out to the new Hunger Games movie.
I got an STD-screening the next week - he harassed me at work for another 6 months. :)
Had a "nice guy" on tinder who didn't make it to date for the following reason.
He lived in a different city so he insisted on an all day date (lives about 50 mins away). I said I'm not comfortable subscribing to 8+ hours with someone I hadn't met yet, but he kept insisting I had to make it worth his while to come through. At this point I said I can't see it going anywhere and it was putting me under pressure and that made me feel a little uncomfortable, that realistically, it may not work out so let's just leave it.
So then he says he's gonna book a hotel and come through. Explained that's sweet but it's making me uncomfortable. So he says I can have the bed and hell be a gentleman and have the sofa... I explained that he seems to have the wrong idea, I'm not going to a hotel with him and I feel uncomfortable, I don't want to meet. He continues to press, saying he is nice guy, he won't make me have sex if I don't want to. I say I don't want to. I don't want to go to a hotel. I don't want to meet. It's too much pressure, and for someone I've not met, I feel uneasy, thanks, good luck with your search...
But apparently I need to give him a chance. He's willing to come all this way. I say no. He keeps finding new things to message me. Uses my phone number to add my snap chat and says he can see what street I'm on. At this point I start feeling very uneasy. I didn't know I had location on. I block him. He messaged on something else so I say I've got back with my ex. ( I see my ex a lot, we are good friends, he's happy to "have a word") so he starts going on about my ex had his chance and blew it, he is a much nicer guy than my ex, he will treat me like a princess and worship me and my ex has blown it etc etc. I tell him this is my choice. Thanks and goodbye. Please don't try to message me on anything else as it's not appropriate and I've already blocked on 3 things.
Fast forward 4 months and I move cities. I get an Instagram message. It's the nice guy saying he's seen my on bumble in this new city and even though we haven't matched it must not have worked out with my ex. He's using Instagram and can see I'm near the station (Is that even a thing?!) And we should go on that date that I owe him.
Blocked again. Had a friend stay over that night.
Went on and on about what a great, compassionate guy he was. He was actually just your garden variety, abusive psycho.
He once said to me: “I wish you had been abused so you would realise how great I am”. What the fuck. Who says that?!
He went out bowling with his friends and then when he came home he complained to me that for the first time in his life a hot girl had hit on him while he was out, and he was unlucky enough to actually have a girlfriend. He seemed genuinely sad he had to turn her down, and expected me to be greatful he did it.
He proposed to me after we worked on a group project. When I turned down this guy I barely knew and definitely never dated he stalked and harrassed me for about half a year until he found his next "true love". He was a serial proposer.
I didn’t actually give him a chance, but...I was talking to my guy friend, Andrew, in the break room at work one day and another guy jumps in the conversation with a “hey man, what’s up” to Andrew. I assumed they must be coworkers.
After that he proceeds to stop by my office every night “on his way out” to make increasingly awkward small talk. I mention that I have a boyfriend (true), but he keeps coming anyway looking for anything to talk about. “Hey, (pointing to the cartoon on the box of cereal on my desk), it looks like we’re both into anime!” Nope, I’m just into generic Lucky Charms, dude. I try to be friendly. Then he escalates into things like “Does your boyfriend come take you out to lunch every week? No? You deserve someone who treats you better than that.”
He offers to build me a better desk. I decline and get a “jeez, I’m just trying to do something nice for you.” I tell him these conversations are making me uncomfortable and when I’m at work I’m working. He gives me a “jeez, I was just saying hi on my way out.” I close my office door. He keeps coming and knocking. I keep the door closed and wave him off. He gives me flowers for Valentines Day.
I go to my friend Andrew and ask him if he’ll tell his coworker to fuck off. Turns out Andrew has only ever talked to him that one time in the break room. We look him up in the company directory and the guy works two floors below me, so I’m not on his “way out.” Eventually I called corporate security and they had a talk with him and his boss and deactivate his badge access to my floor.
Not well. He was funny and friendly in public, but turned into a different person as soon as we were behind closed doors. He was basically your textbook abuser - manipulative, controlling, and demanding. He wanted to do some really weird and degrading (to me) sex stuff and acted like I was the psycho for not wanting to. He'd make angry comments like "I'm just trying to be romantic and YOU keep freaking out". I got out of the relationship before he could hit or r*pe me, but no question that was what the future held. Oh, and he still insisted that he was the nicest guy I'd ever meet.
Same here. He was the funny guy, the SIL that every mother dreams about, but behind close doors he was controlling and manipulative. If I was to go out with friends he would try to blackmail me saying I was abandoning him, and that I didn't love him. He would say those things even when I got together with colleagues to study. He tried to isolate me from my friends and family, he said that it I ever cheated he would hit me so hard no one would recognize me. When I realized what was going on I was on a toxic relationship for a year. And noped out with the help of some friends who never gave up on me. Until today he tells the story that I was the crazy girlfriend and that he was a terrible victim on the story.
He was always nice to me but very easily jealous anytime another guy spoke to me. We were just friends and only went out once yet he felt like he needed to make me feel bad whenever other guys gave me a little attention. He also had a horrible drinking problem and serious anger issues. And the whole time he was trying to woo me, he was also hooking up with his ex and ended up getting her pregnant. So yeah, no regrets about that.
This happened to me with my ex, but while we were dating. Whenever I did something that he wasn't present for, or when he wasn't around me physically, he would get jealous at the fictional or imaginary "guy I was speaking to" (or the possibility of meeting another guy, and leaving him) in his mind, based on his own deep-seated insecurities. For example, one time, we were supposed to meet up after one of his classes ended, and I wandered off because I got a migraine, which comes with confusion for me.
The first thing out of his mouth when he finally finds me? "Where were you? What were you doing? You were talking with another guy, weren't you? Were you cheating on me with another guy?" Meanwhile, I am confused, in a lot of pain, and not even sure what he's even talking about...
He was the “nice Christian guy” I thought might be change up from some of the fuckboys I’d been dating.
Well, he was insecure as fuck as it turns out and constantly negged me. He was also a pathological liar. He once told me I had told him I did believe in Jesus even though I explicitly told him I was non religious when we started dating.
When I broke up with him I told him he treated me like shit and that I was a god damn catch.
Unfortunately we dated for 7 years too long. I was his first girlfriend (we were in college) and he was the sweetest guy ever; not a mean bone in his body. My parents loved him, friends loved him, his family loved me, and everyone thought he was the one because how could he not be? He was so kind, polite, just an all around amazing guy - I loved him but I just never fell in love with him.
From the day we graduated, he really dialed it up a notch and everything he did revolved around wanting to “take care” of me. He just wanted to do everything for me so that I didn’t have to. He got a great job right out of college, bought a house, was making great money for the both of us and ...I don’t know. It really made me feel like I couldn’t be my own person or my own success story and that could never be if we stayed together.
I ended up being the one to break up with him. The entire world hated me for it but I made it easy for our mutual friends and just saw my own way out of our social circles. I got a lot of “how could you do this to him?” “How could you be so cruel?” and they were right in that I should have listened to my gut earlier and ended it years ago. In everyone’s minds, there was no justifiable reason why I would do that to such a great guy. To someone so perfect.
But in the end, I knew I wasn’t perfect for him. We went our own ways and he ended up marrying a wonderful woman, from what I’ve heard, and I married my now-husband. Today is our 1 year anniversary and we have a baby on the way, due in April. As he sleeps soundly next to me, I am so thankful that I made the decision I did. I can’t tell you how scary it is to think about what my life would have been like had I stayed. It terrifies me to think I wouldn’t have what I have now.
At first he was very charming and lovely to be with, but he became extremely controlling very quickly, telling me what to wear, how to do my makeup, claiming all the typical 'nice guy' things like "You're prettier without makeup", etc. This was only three weeks in and when I called it off with him he begged me to stay and claimed he was just protecting me from the fuck boys out there and started spewing shit about how girls never give 'nice guys' a chance. What ever, man. I'm outta here.
Turned out to be an awful human being. Was a nice shy guy at first but upon getting into a serious relationship that was just for the public. Behind closed doors was a very insecure person. He had decent looks but was short and skinny with glasses. I didnt mind and never used that against him but it affected his confidence and he took it out on everyone else. Even after trying to work on it for months and always reassuring him he ended up cheating on me several times and then hid behind the nice guy victim thing. Went and told everyone that I was out of his league and just using him as a place to live and I had been the one cheating which wasnt true. I moved out and got my own place immediately to proceed I could and cut all ties.
I ended up filing a police report and moving apartments because he didn't take it well when I broke up with him. He spent hours outside my apartment demanding an explanation, because he just couldn't understand that I didnt want to he with him anymore. He was convinced someone had talked me into ending it, and if I would just hear him out I'd change my mind. Took 3 visits from the cops and a change of address before he got the message.
After years, I finally gave this guy who’s been in love with me since high school a chance. He’s definitely deemed as a ‘nice guy’. He was great and he’ll make someone happy but he just wasn’t for me. He definitely tried his hardest to win me over & keep me happy but he was also very smothering when we were just in the talking stage- ALWAYS wanted to talk about our feelings, sending cute messages literally every morning or throughout the day, getting mad at me when I didn’t have an answer to questions pertaining to the future. Our first date ended with a fight, so uh there’s that.
I was called a nice guy by many women back in the 90s, usually the relatives and girlfriends of friends. This pretty much sank my esteem. While I never referred to myself as such, I knew it had negative connotations. It made me question my motives for a lot of behaviors. Was I being 'nice' for ulterior motives? Should I ignore them? I did a lot of cringey stuff.
I think the core of my problems were an unhealthy detachment from my emotions. Bad feelings were framed as wrong feelings. Of course this meant I was bad and wrong. I see some of these things in the incel culture. Sadly I'm ill-equipped to do much more than comment on it.
And, remember, always trust your gut.