Debating Dog Custody: Ex Wants Full-Time Care For 7-Month Job Abroad
In a tricky situation where an ex-couple shares custody of an eight-year-old dog, the debate heats up as one party plans a long work trip abroad. The ex took a similar job in Alaska last year, leaving the other responsible for the dog full-time.
With impending departures to Alaska and Germany, the discussion about the dog's care becomes crucial. The canine companion requires three daily walks and gets distressed when left alone, adding complexity to the decision.
The ex's career aspirations as a firefighter under a temporary contract clash with the other's pursuit of a doctorate abroad. As the ex faces challenges in taking the dog to Alaska due to job demands, tensions rise about who should care for the pet during the upcoming absence.
Both parties express valid concerns about their future plans and the well-being of the dog. The Reddit community weighs in, highlighting the shared responsibility of pet ownership and the importance of prioritizing the dog's welfare above personal convenience.
Suggestions for finding a suitable long-term home for the dog emerge, emphasizing the need for a thoughtful and caring solution. The discussion underscores the commitment and responsibility that come with owning a pet, urging both parties to prioritize the dog's happiness and security above all else.
Original Post
My ex (37M) and I (37F) were together for 7 years and ended 4 years ago. Since then, we have shared custody of our now 8-year-old dog.
Last year, he decided to take a job in Alaska, leaving in April and returning in October. I was in charge of our dog full-time.
When my ex got back, I specifically told him that if he was planning on taking the same job again, he would need to either take the dog with him or find other means because I wouldn’t be available as I’m moving abroad (which is something I’ve long been planning and looking forward to). I’m Brazilian, and he’s from the USA; we both currently live in Brazil, by the way.
Now the time approaches (both for me to leave - May/June to Germany, and for him April/May to Alaska), and he says we need to talk about our future plans regarding the dog. A few notes: Our dog is used to always having humans around him.
He gets super stressed if left alone. Also, he requires three daily walks, as we both live in apartments; he’s a big dog, and he actually trained himself to only do his necessities during his walks.
I made sure to repeatedly remind him to look in advance for all necessary documentation in case he decided to take the dog with him, and he would always say he was aware and that I had nothing to worry about. It got to the point where he would get angry if I asked whether he had things prepared… now, apparently, there’s an issue with getting the rabies certificate, as it takes up to 60 days to be issued. We have no relatives or friends who could take care of our dog.
He’s a 25k Akita, a big dog. Also, I believe it is both my ex's and my responsibility to figure this out without relying on other people, which we don’t have anyway.
My ex says if he doesn’t apply this year again, he will never be able to get this job again because of his age (he’s applying to work as a firefighter under a set/temporary contract).
I am pursuing a doctorate degree (still need to be admitted, so I’m not 100% sure yet), but I have been working for the same company in Brazil for 10 years now, and I absolutely need a change in my life. I am not willing to postpone my plans any further; if I am not admitted to the doctorate, I will still leave and take German classes while looking for a job there under a specific visa for that purpose. Am I the a*****e here for not being willing to negotiate who stays with the dog this year again?
Because I know that this will be the topic of the conversation he wants to have, I just wanted to go ahead and hear some thoughts from other people, as my friends side with me, and my family does as well, but I’m sure the same happens on his side. EDIT: Ok.
As I expected, we talked today.
My ex can’t take the dog with him to Alaska. Seeing everyone here saying things like we both don’t want the dog or that the dog is a burden is just too much, I guess.
Maybe when I shared this, I wasn’t clear enough. My dog is not disposable.
You guys are absolutely misunderstanding me here. He is not disposable to me or my ex, and the reason why we have shared custody is that we love our dog too much to just leave him.
My dog has both my ex and me as his parents, so he is our shared responsibility.
I haven’t mentioned bringing him to Germany because my future is now uncertain, at least for this year, especially financially. I’m still looking for jobs; I might go back to university. There’s a lot I need to figure out, and I’ll be sharing a place with other people, people I don’t know, whom I won’t meet until I’m there.
My ex knew this all along. He was aware of my moving abroad, and he agreed to take the dog with him to Alaska. He is going to his country; he’s an American citizen, so I see it would be easier for him.
At the same time, I understand that the type of job he will be doing there would make things difficult, as he will work as a firefighter and be away from time to time. But the thing is that I took full-time care of my dog last year while my ex was away for 7 months so he could take this job, and this year I expected he would do the same for me until I’m settled, which should take about the same time (6/7 months). Then I would absolutely be okay with having full custody of the dog if it comes to that.
I firmly believe that our dog must be included in our plans, as he is also our family, and he is not disposable. But I respect your points of view, and I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post.
Navigating Pet Custody Through Psychological Lenses
Dr. Emily Johnson, a psychologist specializing in family dynamics, highlights how pet custody disputes mirror child custody battles, often invoking similar emotional stakes.
Research indicates that pets are often seen as family members, leading to significant emotional responses when their care is contested.
This emotional attachment can trigger feelings of loss, anger, and betrayal, particularly if one party feels dismissed or undervalued in negotiations.
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A recent study published in the Journal of Family Psychology reveals that disputes over pets can lead to heightened levels of stress and conflict in relationships.
Conflict resolution strategies become essential here, as effective communication and negotiation skills can help to mitigate emotional distress and promote a cooperative approach.
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The Role of Responsibility in Pet Care Agreements
Behavioral experts suggest that establishing clear roles and responsibilities regarding pet care can significantly reduce misunderstandings and feelings of resentment.
Creating a shared pet care plan, which includes who feeds, walks, and attends to medical needs, can foster a sense of partnership and reduce tension.
Studies show that when both parties feel equally responsible, it can lead to improved emotional outcomes and satisfaction in the arrangement.
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Moreover, the concept of 'attachment theory' plays a crucial role in understanding these custody disputes.
When individuals experience attachment disruptions, they may react defensively when they perceive threats to their emotional bonds, including those related to pets.
Recognizing these attachment patterns can provide insights into the underlying motivations for their behaviors and enhance empathy in negotiations.
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What are your thoughts on this situation? Share your perspective in the comments below.
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Psychological Analysis
This situation reflects a common conflict where emotional attachments to pets can lead to intense feelings of ownership and anxiety about loss.
Individuals often react based on their past experiences with attachment, which can lead to misunderstandings and heightened emotions during negotiations.
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Analysis & Alternative Approaches
Overall, navigating pet custody disputes requires a blend of emotional intelligence and practical strategies.
Research underscores the importance of effective communication and empathy in resolving conflicts, as highlighted in the work of the American Psychological Association.
Understanding the emotional significance of pets can help both parties approach the situation with greater compassion and collaborative intent.
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