There's a reason we keep pets. They're our companions when no one else is. Our pets don't let us down, they lift us up. They make us smile and laugh, they comfort us when we're down, and they don't ask for much in return for their undying devotion. In fact, a lot of pets like dogs and cats are incredibly resilient to how awful humankind can be to animals. They persevere lovingly and affectionately when abandoned and abused. They forgive more than most creatures could ever imagine.

It only makes sense that our pets would be the center of our universes. What makes a little less sense are the copious amounts of weird freaking nicknames we bestow upon them. You think I'm kidding or exaggerating? You're in for a big (hilarious) surprise.

A dog named Cooper.

If my dog's name was Cooper, I would definitely call him Pooper-Cooper, or Coop The Poop.

A dog named Cesare

I have no idea how most of these nicknames make sense.

A cat named Beetlejuice

Why isn't Beetle Butt on this list?

A hedgehog named Michi

She is an awfully cute, little nugget.

A dog named Noodle

That's THE Noodle, to you.

A cat named Nugget

There are endless nickname possibilities with a name like Nugget.

A guinea pig named Francis

That last one is pretty accurate for pets.

A cat named Diego

Where in the world is the cat named Diego?

A dog named Jesse

I wonder if the science behind pet nicknames comes down to:

the more simple the name, the more weird the nicknames?

A cat named Pantalaimon

Okay, this is a very complex name with a lot of potential. I see the hooman used it well.

A dog named Koda

What an angel.

Two Bunnies: Jigsaw and Hannibal

I'm a little concerned but also... intrigued.

A cat named Grunt

Bizarre name. Fascinating nicknames.

A cat named Pasha

That last one especially...

A dog named Kenzo

I'm a little obsessed with these particular pup nicknames.