Woman Is Asking If She Is The Worst For Kicking Her Boyfriend Out Over Disagreements About Her Cat
When you first start dating someone, you sometimes overlook things and let little issues slide that you ordinarily would not. Some of the best advice you can receive is to not ignore the red flags, as it will only lead to devastation later on.
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You and your potential partner should be clear about setting your expectations straight from the outset—so there are no nasty surprises or horrific arguments when you both realize that neither of you is willing to compromise. It is far better to find someone who is a better match for you than to force yourself into a relationship with someone you are not compatible with, or squint to avoid seeing your partner for who they really are.
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This is especially true for things you are not willing to change your mind about; if you do not want certain aspects in your life, make it clear from the outset—and if your partner doesn’t want them, do not expect either of you to change your minds.
So, as a little warning, if you do not like pets and cannot see yourself growing to like a pet, do not date someone with a pet. This is the story of someone who ignored the warning signs.
The post is captioned "AITA for kicking my boyfriend out over my cat?"
Posted by u/catwoesthrowaway
For context, my (24F) boyfriend (30M) and I recently moved in together. It’s something we’ve been discussing, and when his lease ended, he moved into my apartment.
I have a cat, Millie, who is my baby girl that I’ve had since she was a kitten. Back when my boyfriend and I first started dating, he made the joke that if we were ever going to live together, he’d have to “get rid of that cat,” which I dismissed at the time.
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When he would come over, he would ignore Millie, making jokes about how cats are stuck up and how much of a dog person he is. Again, I dismissed this because he never acted hostile towards her. I figured it was just a preference.
When we started to get serious about moving in, he asked if I would consider giving her away because he didn’t like the idea of living with a cat. I almost laughed before realizing he was serious. I told him that under no circumstances would I get rid of my cat. I felt guilty about being unwilling to compromise, but he actually took it well and reassured me that if she was this important to me, he’d get over it.
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Fast forward to last night. I don’t think he realized I was in the kitchen when he came home. Millie was on the couch, and I heard him go into the room and give a sigh.
Before I could call out, I heard him say, “You’re so fucking worthless.”
It terrified me because I’ve never heard him speak with such malice. He sounded like a different person. It was just so cold and hostile that I panicked and rushed out there to see him looking at Millie.
Here’s where I might be the asshole. I completely freaked out. I was yelling, asking what he thought he was doing talking to her like that. He jumped, and I scooped Millie up and told him to leave my apartment right now.
He looked so stunned and started to argue, asking where he was supposed to go. I told him that I didn’t care; he just needed to leave.
He was pissed and said he was going for a drive, then slammed the door behind him. I immediately started sobbing and holding Millie. I was shaking, and she could tell I was upset and kept cuddling me. She calmed me down, and later, when he texted asking if he could come back, I said yes.
I put Millie in the bedroom so we could talk. We were both a lot calmer, and I felt awful after he explained his side. I often call Millie little names, and he said he was just trying to be playfully mean too and misjudged his tone. But he said it felt awful that I chose a cat over him and that I called it “my” apartment when it’s supposed to be our place. He told me he was constantly feeling second best to Millie, whom I wouldn’t even consider rehoming, and I had thrown him out over an animal when he’s a person.
I explained to him how much he means to me and apologized for ever making him feel like this wasn’t his home.
I think I might have overreacted, but I just don’t know. He’s my boyfriend, and she’s something I keep refusing to compromise on. But I also don’t believe that he just misjudged his tone. AITA?
So, what do the people think?
"It's important to recognize manipulative behaviors in relationships. If someone is disrespectful to your pet, it may indicate deeper issues in how they view relationships," says Dr. Esther Perel, a renowned couples therapist and author. "Trust your instincts; if you feel unsafe, it's essential to prioritize your well-being."
This is a good point: if you don't like cats, don't date someone who has one
NTA. He needs to realize Millie is a package deal with you. Pets can absolutely be dealbreakers.
I hate dogs. I generally don't say this out loud, but it's true. Therefore, I wouldn't date someone with a dog or who wanted dogs because I refuse to live with one. I wouldn't try to tell a partner to get rid of their dog! I try to be polite and friendly towards the dogs of friends, but I'm not living with one.
If this is his dealbreaker, that's his problem, not yours. He claimed he'd get over it. You took him at his word. Now he's acting weirdly hateful towards your cat. He needs to figure out where he stands.
Lots of the comments point out he might be dangerous towards the cat
NTA. Get rid of him ASAP. Your cat is in genuine danger. If he stays, he will do whatever he can to get rid of her. Her life has no value to him, and now he definitely views her as a threat. Please take this seriously. Please prioritize your cat's life over this toad. Please, please, please.
Please.
NTA. He meant EVERY word when he called Millie worthless. You must be incredibly naive if you think he won’t try to get rid of your cat once he is officially moved in. He wants the cat gone and has made that clear by discussing giving her up. Are you going to keep a boyfriend who wants to get rid of your cat? So far, your answer has been yes by letting him stay because he will probably try to get rid of Millie once he is officially moved in.
To Millie, you are all she has. As a pet owner, your responsibility is to take care of Millie. Is this guy so much more important than Millie? From reading your post, it sounds like she’s family. There is no real compromising on this; it’s either you have her and he doesn’t move in, or you don’t have her and he moves in.
This user thinks that they are both in the wrong (though also doesn't seem to be a fan of cats)
ESH - It’s hilarious that your boyfriend was talking to the cat and calling it worthless. I mean, they kind of are.
He has said some pretty unacceptable things about your cat before moving in. You should have just listened to him when he repeatedly brought up that he didn’t like cats and even wanted to rehome the cat. That’s wild.
But I do think you overreacted. Kicking someone out and screaming at them over just saying some things to a cat? That’s a little over the top. Be an adult and have a conversation; take a breather if you need to—don’t just scream at someone and make them leave.
When someone shows you who they are: believe them.
You're NTA, but you should consider changing your living situation. He gave you signs he doesn't like the cat, and when you confronted him for being aggressive towards her, he lied and said he was "just kidding."
When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
I just want to give judgment as someone who doesn’t like cats, is allergic to cats, and also doesn’t like cats. NTA. Hell to naw. That’s so damn rude. What kind of crazy person talks to a defenseless animal that way? Nah, sis, he’s a weirdo.
NTA
My boyfriend hated cats. Now he's best friends with the cat I already had. He actually put in effort because my cat was afraid of men. Your boyfriend isn't worth it.
OP provided an update after reading the comments:
Everybody’s comments were extremely eye-opening. I felt sick to my stomach reading about people afraid for Millie, and it had already crossed my mind honestly. Making that post validated all the fears that I had kept dismissing as dramatic, and it was almost a relief to be encouraged by strangers to do something I had previously been too afraid to do.
We broke up. It’s my apartment; he wasn’t on the lease yet, and he’s going to stay with his brother. I had to read up about gaslighting, and my sisters would agree with all of you about that one.
It was hard to lose somebody I trusted and thought I knew well, but based on his reaction, I knew I made the right call. He essentially told me that if I couldn’t learn to put other humans before my cat, I’d be alone for a very long time, and that he’d be waiting for me to reach out.
Millie doesn’t deserve to just be tolerated; she deserves to be safe and treated like the little princess she is by anybody I live with. She’s seen me through so much, and I’d rather be alone than have her wandering around the side of the road somewhere. And I am absolutely terrified of her ever being hurt—it isn’t worth the risk. I’m okay with it being just her and me for now.
Thanks, everybody, for the advice!!
OP also added a picture of Millie, who is beautiful and deserves better (just like OP).
This story has massive red flags from the beginning and throughout—but unfortunately, they are the kind of red flags that may appear lighter under the pink glow of love. Luckily, this woman saw them for what they are and managed to get out of the situation before it caused long-lasting harm to her or her cat.
Do you agree with her choices and the judgments from the community on Reddit? Read the rest of the thread here, and add your thoughts to the comments.
But I think it is pretty safe to say that if someone is mean to animals, they will be cruel to humans too.
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